new arrivals again!

 

Little things to make myself happy and sane (:

I spend a scary amount of money for a student from a very average family and not working.

I’ve decided to cut my hair. Maybe tmr.

And i need a new manicure. My nails look like shit ald.

I’m feeling really drained, 12 to 9 classes everyday.

Sian to the max.

 

 

Life is a _________.

(a) struggle

(b) maze

(c) bitch

P.S:

Dear ridiculously hyper designers, I love the present so much!

Thank u for not embarrassing me by singing the birthday song in a quiet place instead of the canteen 😀

i love u guys!

 

♥                    sheraine !

fucking long story.

Okay as the title suggests, I’m gonna tell u a long story.

A fucking,  fucking long one.

It’s for those who are concerned about me and wanna know how I am now, and also for those that are kpo.

It’s so freaking long that I don’t think I’m gonna repeat again.

Anyone that asks me about that incident again, I’m gonna refer them here.

Here it goes.

 

My birthday was on last saturday.

I went out with my boyfriend and three closest friends, kayren, fengling, and fongmui.

Around a week ago, fongmui asked me for szewei’s number so that they can discuss how to celebrate my birthday together.

As I stated in my previous post, I cried many times on that day.

I was feeling really upset about something, I wasn’t sure what exactly.

I knew it’s partly because fengling and szewei were behaving quite close on that day, they even left me out in several conversations cause they got too engrossed talking to each other.

They even got mistaken as a couple.

I told szewei how I felt and he called me ridiculous.

We went to K box and dinner.

Followed by going to rebel and zirca because I wanted to drink.

Just fengling, szewei, and me.

The two had to go home first so they left after dinner.

After everything, I went to szewei’s house with him.

Before we slept, we chatted for quite a while and I cried and cried and cried again.

Til he fell asleep. I was still crying.

Sunday morning, we had to wake up early cause it’s father’s day.

It wasn’t easy for me to wake up.

Didn’t sleep much at all and my eyes hurt from crying so much.

We went for dim sum breakfast together with his family.

After that, we went home (his) and we all had to prepare a dish each for dinner.

His mom cooked soup.

His brothers and him cooked all the other dishes.

I made dessert, mango pudding.

I went back to my house that night, he went back to camp.

He texted me before going to bed.

Said he love me, stuff like that.

I felt rather depressed that whole day but I didn’t want to show it in front of his family.

It was father’s day after all.

But actually, for the whole day, I’d been thinking whether I should leave him.

I couldn’t help feeling that he doesn’t love me anymore.

I went online, changed my facebook status to ‘is deliberating leaving.’.

Kayren came to talk to me, asked me leave where.

I told her everything.

That’s when she told me. That’s when the story begins.

The following is all that I heard from her:

(I’ll bold the main points)

She told me, fongmui contacted szewei to discuss my birthday.

Szewei asked for the other two’s numbers too so that he can contact everyone.

They all exchanged numbers.

Kayren told me, he texted her one morning.

Talked about himself, his army stuff, all that.

Then.

He told her that he doesn’t really know how to plan group outings.

He said he only know how to plan romantic dates.

He said he already planned what to do on our 1st anniversary of being together.

He told kayren that he wants to show her his romantic side and asked her to go for a rehearsal with him, on what he planned for our anniversary.

She obviously said no.

Few days later,he texted kayren.

Then she told him that no guy will want her, or something like that.

He told her, I would definitely go for u if i am single, but too bad I’m not.

(HELLO. TOO BAD HE’S NOT? TOO BAD HE’S WITH ME? I WAS READY TO STRANGLE HIM TO DEATH WHEN I HEARD THAT.)

Another day, he called her at night.

She said she’s going clubbing with her friends.

Then szewei told her not to go, said that he would be worried.

He told her to go clubbing with him someday,”JUST THE TWO OF US”.

She told him he should ask me instead, I’m his girlfriend.

He said no.

He just wanted to go with her alone.

Of cause she didnt agree either.

 

I hung up and called him.

But he was in camp and already asleep, there was no way I could contact him.

I texted him.

“I think i need a break. And no im not sorry. I hate u, asshole.”

“You, eng sze wei, make eugene look like a saint. He looks like an angel when being put beside u.”

Around this time, I was fuming and hurt beyond words.
My grandpa and sis came to tell me about problems that the maid caused again.

I wanted to die, it was hell. 

And I called his family.

I told his mom what happened.

She was dumbfounded too. She told me she will talk to him, told me not to think too much first.

I called francis to talk and to cry, to shout and to curse.

He’s a good friend of mine, he’s a great listener and always remain calm and patient when he consoled me.

An hour later or so, I called szewei’s brother to talk to him.

We talked for almost an hour and I cried a bucket of tears.

I like his brother a lot, he is one of the nicest guy I know.

I treat him like my own elder brother too.

After hanging up, I tried to sleep but still couldn’t stop crying.

My grandma began acting up again, crying and yelling and scolding my grandpa.

I couldn’t sleep at all the whole night.

 

In the morning, szewei called me. Once he woke up and saw my messages.

He replied.

He was frantic and he said that this is super super painful for him and he loves and needs me.

I answered his call and we talked for very long.

I told him what I heard and yelled at him.

Hung up on him several times.

He told me he said those things, knowing for sure that nothing will happen between kayren and him.

That’s why he didnt see it as such a big deal.

He told me the words he used were wrong and he didn’t mean anything when he said them.

I told him that he’s damn gross and I don’t know how many girls he’s having sex with behind my back.

He swore he’s not doing anything behind my back and he never ever thought of cheating on me.

He said he used the wrong words and that failed him.

He said he really wanted to make our 1 year anniversary the best day for me, that’s why he asked kayren to help.

(I told him before that she’s the friend that I’d known since six years old and our characters are more similar than with fongmui or fengling.)

He said he knows he shouldn’t have been so stupid as to suggest rehearsing a date and that he learnt his lesson.

He told me that as for the “too bad I’m not single” and “club with me alone” things, it’s the doings of his army friends.

He told me, before he asked kayren to go clubbing with him, she actually told him that she’s going clubbing with her friends and that she wants to go drink, get drunk and flirt with guys.

I think that’s when those army guys asked szewei to suggest going with her and stuff like that.

Maybe they got the impression that she’s kinda loose or what.

And, being army guys, they are obviously dumbasses.

As for the “too bad I’m not single” thing, she’s the one who started saying things like “no guy will want me” (or something like that) first, maybe thats why the dumbasses told szewei to say those things.

And he was dumb enough indeed, to do as they told.

I told him, “People can only say this much. Its still up to u to make the final decision. But u decided to do as they said”.

I asked him to ask any of his friends to call me. Anyone at all.

I want to have one of his friends listen to this and see what’s his views about it.

Dennis called me.

I told him everything, and he didn’t say that szewei wasn’t wrong, but he phrased everything nicely and I can tell that he was careful with his words because he doesn’t want what he said to affect us or make us break up.

He is a very good friend.

I talked to szewei for very long.

I asked a million questions. He answered.

I asked him to tell me the names of the loser army friends. There were two of them.

I asked whether I can give them a slap each and one to him too.

He said he doesn’t think they will allow but he is willing to take it all.

He is willing to take as many slaps as I desire.

I prayed to God that they will have a hefty price to pay too, and that they will never be truly loved, their whole lives.

Szewei said no matter what I want him to do, he will. He doesn’t care what it takes, he’ll get it done for me.

Thats when I decided to try to forgive him, with conditions.

 

I called fengling to hear her side of the story.

He didn’t say those things to her, but his messages were a bit flirty as well.

But that’s just him. He talkes to ppl that way.

But one thing that made me fume again, was that he called her one night to chat.

Told her that he’s bored.

She asked him to call me but he said he DOESN’T WANT TO cos I won’t talk much.

I texted him immediately to tell him that he suck and that he deserve to die.

 

Anyway.  We talked for super long again and he asked for permission to come out from army ytd evening.

(It’s not allowed, he almost got into trouble. But, he’s the one who caused all these shits, he ought to be punished.)

He wanted to buy me chocolates but i didn’t want.

I wanted ice cream. Haagen dazs, belgian chocolate.

He got me a pint.

(I ate only a quarter of it. It was my breakfast, lunch and dinner for ytd.)

We went to his house so that his mom can talk to him.

I delivered him four slaps.

I couldn’t bear to do it but I know I MUST so I told him to close his eyes cos I can’t do it with him looking at me with those eyes.

He slapped himself many times too.

I listed my long list of DOs and DO NOTs.

Talked to his mom and listened to her lecture him.

I asked his mom, “Does he love me?”

Thats my main question because to me, when there’s love, there is hope.

And if there’s love, I trust him to change.

She nodded without hesitating.

Being the fucking stupid person that I am, I’ve decided to try to forgive him.

I’ll hold up a shield now and be careful.

Whether he can melt it or not will be up to him.

If he makes one more mistake, I swear I’ll leave him.

I swear I’ll slap him ten times before leaving.

I made it clear to him.

 

As for my friends. I truly love all of them.

I HATE the fact that they hid all these from me for days.

I HATE the fact that no one said a single shit to me until I open up first and said that I might want to leave him.

They told me they are really sorry and they had every intention of telling me but didn’t want to break it to me on my birthday.

But. They didn’t tell me after my birthday either.

I’m upset but I know that they were in a difficult position too.

I know that they honestly thought that’s what I would want but they couldn’t be more wrong.

I’m not angry with them, because I understand.

The only one that I got mad at was fengling cause I really, really can’t believe she knew all these, yet acted so close to him on my birthday.

She acted close to him but when she went to the toilet with kayren, she complained about how disgusting szewei is.

She told me that she never meant to hurt me and she’s sorry if her actions did.

I’m not angry with her anymore too.

I know my friends would never hurt me and I know that they love me as much as I love them.

 

 

Dear Francis, thank u so much for being such a good friend, an awesome listener.

Thanks for allowing me to text/call u any time I want without having to ask u whether u are free to talk.

Dear er ge (older brother. the second one. refering to szewei’s), thank u so much for being such a great man.

U deserve the sweetest gf on earth, I know she definitely cherishes u a lot (:

Dear Junwei (my younger bro (: ), thank u so much for praying for me.

Thank u so much for asking God to bless me. Thanks for the glass of ice water to rehydrate my body.

Dear Sis, thank u so much for posting that shout-out on facebook.

Haha. Ur way of expressing concern for me is different, but I really appreciate it.

Dear Kokwai, thank u so much for being so concerned about me.

Thank you so much for asking whether I need a shoulder to cry on cos u are willing to come meet me immediately when u heard what happened.

Thanks for suggesting that I can vent my anger and hurt on hongkwang and scold him as much as I want (:

Thanks for saying the I am a person that brings joy to others.

That it’s their loss to not treasure me.

Thank u so much for volunteering to be my 7-11.

 

Thank u so much for all ur care and concern, all of u (:

And my darlings, I love u guys so much okay. Just give me some time to become cheerful again! I will, very soon 😀

 

♥                    sheraine !

 

 

Update:

Dear Veron, Thank u so much for being concerned.

For not asking when I told u I don’t feel like talking about it yet.

For asking after a few days.

Thank u for telling me that u really treasure me.

I thanked u a million times but I still want to, haha.

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone thinks that I’m crazy to forgive him.

It’s good to have someone that encourages me.

 

Dear Ziyu, Thanks a lot for ur encouragent.

What u said is probably one of the most encouraging phrase I’ve ever heard, thank u (:

 

Dear Jazreel, Thank u so much for texting me immediately when u saw this!

Thanks for reminding that I have my crazy designers with me no matter what I’m going through.

I love u guys!

fuck

OH GOD.

FUCK U ENG SZE WEI.

FUCK U, I WISH U GET INTO AN ACCIDENT.

HAHA, I CANT BELIEVE U SAID “HE REALLY IS ONE IN A MILLION, BABY, I ADMIT I AM NOT AS SWEET AS HIM” WHEN I TOLD HIM ABOUT DIXON.

JERK, U HAVE NO RIGHT AT ALL TO COMPARE URSELF WITH DIXON ALRIGHT?

U SUCK BIG TIME.

nineteen.

I’m nineteen now (:

 

My birthday was one that’s filled with tears, again.

At least this year there were happy tears too.

There were tears that dropped because i was truly touched.

I wasn’t in the best of moods yesterday.

I didn’t talk that much, I didn’t smile non-stop like what most people think I always do.

Most people tell me that they find me very funny, in a good way, and that they feel very happy and cheerful when they are with me.

But him.

He doesn’t seem to feel that way. To me, at least.

I may be wrong, but I can’t help feeling like he doesn’t feel happy to be with me at all now.

I can’t help feeling that I’m spoiling his mood.

I can’t help feeling that he is interested in anyone but me.

I think he hates it when i cry too. Maybe even find me a nuisance.

Cause I cry all the time. I can cry for hours and don’t know how to stop.

But no, I don’t wish to either.

I can’t help deliberating leaving. It’s the first time I’m thinking about leaving him.

I can’t believe I’m thinking about it too.

 

The worst emotion I ever experienced throughout my life (so far) is to be surrounded by people that I love the most, yet still feel lonely and lost.

Why?

I don’t know.

Nevertheless. There were also many times that I smiled genuine smiles and laughed genuine laughs yesterday.

I really do appreciate the celebration, the effort and I really do feel so touched.

Just that the bad of me took over.

I sincerely apologize to those people who celebrated with me, and thank u from the bottom of my heart.

U know i love u, all of u.

I thank God for giving me people to love, people to make me feel loved.

I’m grateful to have all of u, to have my birthday celebrated.

Please forgive me for being so glum almost the whole of ytd.

 

 

♥                    sheraine !

lazy to the max

HAHAHA.

The last time i updated this blog was.. slightly more than two months ago.

I’ve finally decided to blog again now because i really don’t wish to close the blog.

I want to be able to click on the archives again years later.

I want to be able to re live those wonderful moments in my life.

I shall post my tioman pics cause i have yet to do so.

Tioman, 17th to 19th March ‘o9.

 

Day 1:

super early in the morning, at malaysia’s checkpoint. i think.

 

On the ferry to Tioman island.

There were two rainbows in the sky! I was so thrilled (:

A nice, soothing shade of tiffany sparkling under the sun.

We took some pictures, picked some shells.

Then changed into bikini/trunks to soak and play in the sea for hours.

Frolicsome indulgence (:

It felt like heaven.

breath-taking sunset.

Cute but not so well-mannered kids.

i loveee the top left picture 😀

Aha. Crab, of cause.

Baby said its ‘yuan zhi yuan wei’.

Meaning without any added flavor.

Just barbecued, no sauce/gravy.

And man it was already mad yummy!

 

 

Day 2:

Snorkeling day.

Took some pics but not with my camera, I still don’t have them yet, probably won’t ever get to see them ):

 

Day 3:

People we met there.

A big, friendly family.

We snorkeled together, gambled together til past midnight.

We spent a holiday together.

I think we fell in love with each other (:

She loves szewei a lot too though!

Waiting for the ferry to fetch us.

On the ferry back, playing with her kiddy shades and mine.

This little imp has beautiful eyes.

Her name is Yanqi.

We were so reluctant to part that we couldn’t help tearing.

 

I miss her!

 

 

♥                    sheraine !